A poem for my wife, while I'm at work:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
When I get home from work
do you you wanna make out o somesing?

PENN STATE!!!!!!!

Why...

...is life so hard? Why is the right path narrow?

Why is sin so much fun, and easy to do?

Why are rainbows good?

Why do I bother asking?

Why...

Y...

Hmmm..

I think.. therefore I am.

A penny saved is a penny earned...

I'll give you a penny for your thoughts... penny spent...

Care for two?

...cents that is...

or perhaps sense?

I have a few of the those... 7 if you want to get technical...

Whatev....
...er

Do you think that you know me?

Do you think you have a clue?

Here's one:

I'm human.

You could learn everything there is to know about me by that statement.

I'm naive. Ignorant. A sinner. A struggler. I'm dishonest. I have no will power.

I suck.

Do you?

Care to wager?

Whataya gonna do?

The Boss...

This may just be pensive rambling of a bitter soul... could just be a random notion... could just be a proverbial wild hair up my proverbial rear-end...

BUT... I was driving to work yesterday. Doesn't seem to out of the ordinary, huh? Of course, I wasn't in my car, as it has just been finished... I was driving in the Bidwells (Laura's bosses) Toyota Highlander. One of the best features of their pimp wagon is SIRIUS satellite radio.

I've always thought to myself "Self, SIRIUS and XM aren't really that cool. They're pretty much, whatever. Who really needs 'em?"

Well, that was before I had one at my disposal. I've fallen in love with the comedy channel. It's 24 hours of stand-up comedy, and they play a TON of Mitch Hedberg which is AWESOME!

Anyway, there was and AD on (for being 'ad free' radio, there sure are a lot of ads!) for another channel. Channel 10.

My mind began to wander as I heard what came from the stock system in this g-ride. I heard that Bruce Springsteen now has HIS OWN channel on SIRIUS.

That's right, and channel that plays NON-STOP (except for the 'commercial-free' commercial breaks...) Bruce Springsteen music. Concerts, interviews, CDs... crazy.

I thought, "Man, what am I doing wrong? Is it no talent?" I'd like to think I'm kind of a decent guitar player, so hopefully that's out of the question.

"Is it for a lack of drive?"

No... I play my hind-quarters off every chance that I get.

"Is it my image?"

No, this picture (from my Springsteen archive.. you know, from when me and him hung out all the time...) pretty much proves that:

I mean, seriously... I'm strugglin' to just make a record that people will actually want to listen to and this dude gets his OWN TWENTY-FOUR HOUR channel on SIRIUS? I mean, I understand that he's 'The Boss' and all... but dang... can't a brother catch a break?

Yeah... here's a nerdy ending for you:

< / r a n t >

Enspireashun...

...I need some.

My 'artistic life' is becoming routine. I play a lot of music, however I'm not writing much and I'm recording less! I draw up new shirts, and marketing ideas that pretty much never make it to the computer screen, or less end up printed.

What's the deal?

I'm in the most amazing, adventurous, crazy time of my life. My dog is cool. My wife is pretty awesome too. My friends are the best that you could ask for. I've got a great job working with some of the coolest people I know.

Seems that my creativity is significantly decreased when I'm on the top of world. I re-read a Secret today that I ran across the other day:

Now, I'm not saying that I'm depressed, don't hear that... however the writer makes sense to me. Seems as if I'm that artist that envokes their jealousy. It's not even so much that I'm not inspired... as there are many things in my life that strike awe and wonder within me. It's just that I can't harness the inspiration that I recieve daily.

What's a dude to do?

Not just some lame bumper sticker...

I realized today that I love my wife.

"Weird..." you're thinking, I'm sure.

"...how can he just now realize that?"

I don't know everything in life, but I know a lot... maybe more than most. I even knew a lot about us:

I knew that I was in love with her the very moment I saw her. I knew that she would be my wife in that moment as well. I knew that it would be able a battle to win her heart... a battle that could only be won with God on my side! I knew that she would make an amazing wife, and an incredible mother.

I didn't, however, really understand intimacy. I tried to get a deeper understanding the word.... so I went to webster.com.

1b : belonging to or characterizing one's deepest nature
2 : marked by very close association, contact, or familiarity <intimate knowledge of the someone>

See, I had a knowledge of Laura Beth... but not an INTIMATE knowledge of Laura Beth.

Before we got married, we might as well have been living together: I would get to the house around 7:30 in the morning... just in time to kiss her goodbye as she headed off to work. I would then make myself breakfast, grab a shower, get dressed and head off to work. After a 'long day at the office' I would come back to the house for dinner and a movie (or whatever we had planned that night), I would then stay until it got way too late and I would head home, or to my parents house, or whatever.

I thought "Man, there's not really that much more that I could learn about her..." I would even go so far as to say "...and there's no way that I could love her more than I do now!"

I couldn't have been more wrong.

As I sit on my couch... roughly 10 'til 9pm on Wedneesday... I'm coming to the conclusion that I didn't actually love her until today.

Don't get me wrong... I LIKED her a whole lot bunches, and I was (and am) most certainly IN love with her.

God has been teaching me over the last couple weeks (you know, in the wicked long time I've been married) the difference between loving someone and and being IN love with somebody.

It's easy to be in love with my wife. She's wicked hot. She's more-than-intelligent. She's got an amazing sense of humor, and an even more incredible personality. You can refer to previous posts for a more detailed list.

However,

It's hard (sometimes)

to love

my wife.

She nags me. She whines a lot. She doesn't use her blinker when switches lanes or turns. She always forgets to log out of Myspace and Facebook when she's done. And she can't seem to close the bag of doggy treats EVERY morning.

But I realize it's in these moments that I can not possibly live without her. God has designed her (idiosyncrasies and all) to fit me perfectly. You see, all the things she does that drive me nuts are things I don't do... as all the things that I do that drive her up a wall are things that SHE doesn't do. It's like pieces of a puzzle finally falling into place.

In my quest to discover the meaning of intimacy, I read a dozen or so articles from teachers, philosohpers and religious leaders trying to describe what intimacy is.

Finally, I ran into someone who helped to make it make more sense. Jim Hines is the Executive Pastor of Summit Church, and also happens to be my direct suppirior at work. He went to the Ukrane a few weeks ago (as he does about a billion times a year) and upon his arrivial home (just in time to make it our wedding!) all that he could talk about was how much he missed his wife.

"Outside of anything obvious," he said "I missed the feeling of Mary sleeping next to me."

"Sleeping alone just sucked!"

He had my attention.

"You know what intimacy is, Slim?"

"No... not really... enlighten me."

"Sitting on the couch next to my wife, knowing that no matter what idiot or bonehead move I make, she'll still be right there... on the couch loving me just the same."

Wow.

I pondered that notion today at dinner.

I'm not sure why.

But I did.

She looked across the table at me and asked if I wanted to go to the christian bookstore with her. Not something I was entirely interested in.

"Nah... I'm good." I said without a thought or hesitation.

I finished my dinner, cleaned off the table and sat down to watch TV and surf the net. This concept of intimacy kept running in circles around my brain.

Many circles spun 'round my cranium long enough for me to notice that I was sitting.... on my couch... alone.

I was sad. My stomach turned. A single tear fell from one of the round things at the top of my head... eyes, I think they're called. I knew that she would be back, after all she was just going to the store. I knew that the loved me and felt loved.

But still, I felt alone... a part from the lover, my partner, my mate, my wife. A feeling that I didn't want to feel?

What changed? Did I miss the nagging? The perpetual not logging out of online networking communities?

No.

I missed her.

All of her.

I loved my wife for the first time... the way that God intended.

Life seemed in an instant to make a little bit more sense.

I sit here... breathing a fresh breath of life. Content. Happy. Loving everything about my life and my wife.... all of it... all of her.

And with that, I'm off to bed... with my wife... whom I love.

p.s. - I SUCK at blogging...

... so here's the deal...

I've had a 'private' blog that very few people actually know about (and at that even they don't really know who I am) since I was in High School.

I post all my dirty little secrets on that blog... All the strange thoughts I have... the more strange interactions that I have with people that I generally keep to myself.

As I was writing a new poem in it today... I suddenly realized that I keep my 'private' blog pretty much up-to-date, however I never write in my public blog. What the crap is up with that? Do I just not care? Was I simply doing it because it was a trend? Am I doing it because I wanted to get responses from people, that I just didn't get?

Was I doing it because I truly wanted help, and accountability and nobody responded but one person? (Thank you so much for your heart Bro.)

Why do we blog?

As of September 2007, blog search engine Technorati was tracking more than 106 million blogs. ONE HUNDRED SIX MILLION blogs.

Do we think people care about our stories? Do we think people are interested in what we have to say? Speak now, or forever hold your peace...

I thought about this a lot today, as I was sitting at my desk listening to the new album from a buddy of mine, Scotty McFall (myspace.com/scottmcfall) at deafining levels on account of me being the only one here.

Can a life be changed by a paragraph that I 'e-pen' here? By a sentence? A word?

As some of you know, I'm a POST SECRET fanatic.. I've been following this incredible website since like '99. It's an amazing art website, where you create a homemade postcard with your deepest, darkest secret and mail it in. People can e-mail the website and 'respond' to some of the secrets. It's really a great thing.

I, myself, have actually had two of my secrets posted on there in the last few years.

The site is changed every Sunday. I logged on today to check the new secrets. One REALLY caught my eye:

Now, it wasn't the the card that got my attention so much as what followed did. You see, a young man named Ryan in South Dakota responded to the postcard saying:

"Dear Frank,

I feel the same way. I often wonder why I even have a phone because I rarely receive calls. If there was a way we could contact each other that would be cool. My phone number is 605-212-7787 (with permission).

Sincerely,
Ryan (with permission)"

I thought "For real!?! Did this guy ACTUALLY put his phone number up on there? Does he not know that he's going to get FLOODED with calls from people like me, who just want to call him because he put it up there?!!"

Of course, as is my nature, I instantly grabbed the phone, opened it up, took a deep breath and called the number.

"What am I going to say to him?" I thought "Should I prank him? Should I be serious? Will he even pick up?"

The phone rang.

It rang again.

And again.

"Man, I'm going to have to leave a message... huh."

It rang.

And then once more.

After the 5th ring, a soft spoken voice came across the other side... "Hello?"

"Hey Ryan?"

"Yes."

"My name is Slim, from Ft. Myers, FL"

"Slim!! How are you!"

I had to look at my phone... did this guy really know me? I mean seriously... what are the odds?

"I'm fine, thank you! And yourself?" I responded.

"I've been so great lately."

"Yeah? Why's that?"

"I've talked to some of the most amazing people lately, from ALL over the world. It's amazing how I can't get anyone around me to speak to me... I have no real friends... nobody here who actually cares. But for the past week I've been flooded with people calling up, just to tell me that they love me."

I hesitated to speak as my mind raced... in THIS moment God convicted me in such a huge way. Because I AM everyone in South Dakota that neglected this guy. I AM the person who makes people sad and lonely. I AM the person makes others feel left out... looked-over... worthless, not for the things that I do, but for the things that I do NOT do.

At the moment, the only thing that was in my brain was "They will know that we are Christians by our love."

Man.

"I love you." Three very simple words. Words that get thrown around too much. But do we ever think about how powerful those words are? Maybe they've lost their meaning to those of us who hear them constantly, but do we think about how much it affects the people who never hear it?

I poured through the Word, trying to find descriptions of love.

Proverbs 10:12
Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.

Song of Solomon 8:6
Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave.

Song of Solomon 8:7
Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.

John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

1 Corinthians 13:1 (and some change)
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Colossians 3:14
And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

1 John 3:16
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

1 John 4:8
Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love: we certainly take that word for granted.

My conviction continues. If you are reading this... then I'm sure we are friends, maybe family... Can you remember the last time I told you that I love you? Have I ever?

So.. it comes to this.. the question echos again: Can a life be changed by a paragraph that I 'e-pen' here? By a sentence? A word?

Yes.

And that word is 'love'.

I love you.

Things I love...

...about her.

• Her smile
• Her eyes
• Her voice
• Her own little language (i.e.: "Fiffernug", "Jean Ween" etc.)
• Her humor
• Her wit
• Her sense of style
• Her classy-ness
• She's a dreamer.
• She’s prone to extreme silliness.
• She’s honest and trustworthy and loyal.
• She has a bizarre sense of humor.
• She makes a good eggs.
• She’s cute.
• She puts up with me.
• She's going to be a FANTASTIC mom
• Her energy is infectious
• She's adventurous, seeking out new experiences.
• She's sexy AND smart.
• How she continues to fight for me, even when I neglect her
• Her unflagging curiosity about everything around her.
• She's a great cook.
• She's not afraid of speaking out even if it means going against the majority.
• How she questions things most people take for granted.
• She's not afraid of goofy fun.
• Her writing is from the heart. She may claim she's not a writer, but her blog entries have made me laugh out loud and also teary-eyed.
• Her positive attitude and humour through experiences many other people would be constantly whining about and using as a crutch. Instead, these experiences seem just to make her stronger.
• The way she helps friends find cool opportunities.
• She doesn't mince words, especially when she's pissed off about something. You always know where you stand with her. No mindgames, no emotional manipulation.
• She's a great listening ear, sympathetic but also objective. Doesn't let me get away with self-indulgent crap.
• She's intellectually and emotionally honest.
• She's gorgeous.
• She's a loyal friend and an amazing woman. I feel incredibly lucky to be her friend.
• She has what I believe to be the softest skin in the universe.
• She can dance
• She can sing too.. although she doesn't always get the lyrics right...
• She is extremely photogenic; she does not take a bad picture!
• Spending the day with her guarantees lots of laughter
• She never takes life for granted.
• She gets such a joy out of her family's joy.
• She looks comfortable and classy in anything, from a slinky formal dress to baggy sweatpants and a t-shirt.
• The fact that despite her crazy schedule, she still makes it a priority to find time for me.
• She could spend hours browsing the children's section of a bookstore.
• Her playfulness.
• The depth of caring she shows her friends and family.
• The fact that she loves me
• Her sweet face
• The fact that she let's the Dude sleep on the bed in the master bedroom when I'm not around.
• "You wanna snuggle one time some times?"
• "I love you a whole lot of bunches of oodles plus 2?"
• "You... you... you... wanna get meeearrrieeed?"
• Her family
• Her friends
• Her stories
• Her laugh
• Her love.
• Her commitment to God
• Her general outlook on life
• Her heart
• Her life
• Her warmth
• Two words: "Frit" "tata"
• How she's picked up MY own little language
• How she moves her hands when she talks
• The cute little dance she does when she thinks nobody is looking.....
• How God designed her specifically to mesh with me
• How God made her my wife (to be)
• How it doesn't matter how long we're apart, she'll write little cards for everyday that we're away from each other.
• The way she hugs me
• The way she kisses
• Her smell
• Her touch
• She does my laundry

I love every single thing about her. As the days get closer to our wedding, I started to realize that I'm just falling deeper and deeper in love with her. I can't wait until we are old and hardly functional, so that I could look back on my life and realize that I had the greatest life ever, and that people would have killed to have my life and to have what I have. To look back on my life and realize that there really is a God, and that he loves me and shows me daily how much he loves me by putting such an amazing, stunningly beautiful woman in my life.

God is good.